it isn’t a feeling that I am currently having, but it was, some time ago, and I just felt like sharing it. have you ever felt the feeling of being betrayed, mistreated, blamed and treated unfairly? well I had.

those feelings were so bad, they hurt more than when my dear dog died. in other words, they were almost suicidal. and inconsiderate people would not even know. they do their best to make you miserable, hated by others. they would lie, twist words, spread things untrue. of course, I had experienced it both ways; being the victim, and the bad person.

lets talk about being the bad person. I was about 13-14, I would talk about gossips that people tell me to other people just because I wanted to have more topics to talk about at the stage of wanting to have more friends, and that is because I didn’t know how it felt. but soon I came to realize that it isn’t something I should be bothered about. but I wasn’t as bad, because I did not CREATE them untrue fact, I heard them. but I was wrong, one shall never judge. it is normal to dislike somebody, but those who takes them seriously, are real cowards.

some people, in my opinion, people who wanted more attention, would create something new to attract people’s attention with some surreal, selfish story out of jealousy that they might not even know: and the bad part is, people actually believes in them. you might not even know these people whom created them, but they are definitely the devils behind your back. needless to say, everybody assume they are right. when friends tries to back you up, nothing will change because in their tiny black heart, they assume that you went for pity.

to deal with it? easy. just do not care about them. friends come and go, and if your friend doesn’t see the true beauty inside of you. they are just not worthy enough. but on the other hand, for those who are dealing with those situations for the first time, you might consider talking to somebody about it. I was once so angry I wanted to do something really bad, I wanted to expel that person from school. it is possible. once I read from a magazine that some people were accused of being who they are not so horribly, they suicided. and in the book, it’s written that by law, it’s somehow illegal, even if you’re a kid.

I have not dealt with such issues for a very long time, but I heard that in many colleges and companies, problems as such still exist. and if you’re involved, just stay calm and ignore. do not run away from it, but face it. nobody is perfect and people with least humanity would pick on your bad side, and most of the time, exaggerate them.

you know what’s next. PENANG! xD.

*points* my hair is BROWNISH! pfft. so much for dyeing such a light colour. sigh. they said the only way to dye my hair is to BLEACH it.

NO!

did you know the new cheat for the Sims 3? hold shift+ctrl+c and type in motherlode and 50k there you go! but the unfortunate thing is that my desktop computer doesn’t have a graphic card. I NEED ONE. T_T.

before I forget. HAPPY ZHONG DAY! as in the triangle thingy with rice inside it. I think it is called the gluttonous rice dumpling? anyway, I love those yellow ones to go with kaya. I hear FATS.

I saw one of the most beautiful things that had ever happened in front of me. and I saw it during my homestay at Malacca. will post more pictures of it later when I am more freeeeee. had 6 extra assignments just for Monday. great? editing the whole post will be a pain at the moment. will get it done in a week or so! =D.

nothing is more beautiful than the birth of a new life. it tried to stand up but couldn’t; having parallel holes on the floor only makes it worst. its mother with love, slowly bites of the placenta layer of her baby, licking its body and caring for it. it’s so sweet T_T. but one thing. goats give birth like as if they felt no pain. hmm? it doesn’t yell. at least the baby makes noise.

this is the last part of our homestay where it was burning hot and most people just run into the bus. but also, me, David, James and Tian Chad ran over to the opposite side where there was this beautiful kampung house and took some pictures. =D. yays? hehe.

so much for a photograph, now I am two shades tanner. T___T.

and also, I would like to talk about how imperfect we are. really, nobody is perfect. one might think being imperfect physically is OK white mentally isn’t. they expect some other people to do stuff and give a respond that sounds normal to them. but without the flaws, where does a good sense of humour, or even a person’s attitude come? sometimes people say the wrong things, think differently (eg. childish thinking), and you hate it. but the thing is, you do that too, you make the mistakes but sometimes you couldn’t see it because nobody tells you. and vice versa, they do not know it because they are unaware and it doesn’t help by disliking them. you’d just feel even more tensed because you’re hating somebody. I’ve come to learn this fact recently when I felt drama’s going around my college mates and also among some people that I know. not like I am involved, since I am the alien whom people communicate to me like as if they were speaking korean to me, but the whole disliking thing is really too much. for me, I would only dislike a person or HATE somebody if that person does a direct damage towards me. like creating stories of me for an example. I wouldn’t dislike people who passes on the message because it is just their friend’s they trust. likewise, I felt that sometimes we need to take some time to think about it, to think whether it is worth it to even treat somebody badly. I was just wondering, why can’t people look at the better side of people. if they aren’t any gangster or somebody who is most likely to be the rapist/thief/abuser in your circle of friends, it’s alright. if you dislike a person you can just ignore them. you don;t have to SHOW it out. it only brings sorrow to the mood.

(I have to admit I have a face problem with people who dresses up like a complete lala. also with those who looks horny. and even with those who aren’t friendly.)

but coming to think of it, perhaps we can change our thinking as much as we can because that leads to being happy! =D.

PS : I was also influenced by Andrew Matthews’ book called “Being a Happy Teenager”. very helpful.

PSS : SEX AND THE CITY 2 WAS AWESOME. it’s a perfect blend of fashion and humour. =D. also, if you’re sensitive on racial issues then I would suggest you not to watch. the part where they talk about the Abu Dhabi people is a little errr, offensive to the conservative people in my opinion.

okay, what happened was, I found a speedlight on the top of my dad’s cabinet where he kept all his gears (which I have long forgotten he even have them). I was looking for an analogue camera to play with and I found 4. apparently only 2 could be used now, the other two’s type of film went extinct T_T. and lucky the one still can be used are the SLR’s. I am glad that the speedlight could be used on my camera, but, only by using manual. I tested it with my friends 450D. and auto could be used on his. and I tested his on mine, it works perfectly. WHY LAH MY OWN ONE CANNOT USE AUTO T_T. nevermind, I shall learn the art of manual, since I only use manual on my DSLR anyways despite having auto focus.

my first camwhore with the new old flash! HAPPINESS. my go to college look. I look very childish still! HAH? =X.

the flash I found! apparently it is not bad. really! but the most disgusting part was the rubber/plastic on the side. it was all moldy and waxy. apparently my mom said old rubber are like that. Mm. I couldn’t stand it so I ripped it off. leaving it empty.. for a bit. until my future graphic designer self pop out and gave me a brilliant idea!! *coughs* just joking about that.

TADAA. my untouched Swarovski Crystals bought from Singapore… 2 years ago.

but finally in use! =D.

black’s not Swarovski though.

TADA! I turn this supposingly to be very cool and manly gadget feminine and young! COUGHS. guys must be cursing me now. but I have no choice! where to find another rubbery round thing lah!

I am now a graphic design student taking foundation in arts and design. super hectic as there are assignments EVERY SINGLE DAY. T____T. I reckon that I am pretty pitiful because I am still sick and I still need to go to college. =X. but I am much better now, though still coughing a lot. sigh.

for those who are still blur and still thinking that I am actually still posting scheduled posts : no I am not. I am permanently back from National Service =D. and no they won’t send you home for being sick. they’d take you to the hospital and get you treated. but the thing was, I was pretty unlucky, the hospital failed to cure me.

so what happened was like this, I was sick the second day being in the camp. high high fever. then I drank that miraculous body cooling drink my grandma gave me and went to the hospital (takes 20mins to get out of the jungle and another 10 to reach the hospital!) and my fever cooled down and I was just having slight fever at the hospital. so the doctor didn’t even give me antibiotic. and then, it got worst. drinking those cough medicine and all made me completely drowsy, unable to even get out of bed. they had food sent to me on the eating times (6 times a day FUHH) but that only lasted for 1 day. because the doctor didn’t give me an MC. which is dumb because I was feeling so sick.

then, the next day, I was required to get out of bed and try my best to march. but they were nice they let me sit down. was like that for 5 days. went to their mini clinic everyday. I am not sure why I couldn’t get well. maybe it is because of the cold water I used to bathe (which got my whole body filled with rashes later on. their water is YELLOWISH T_T.) or it is because I simply couldn’t get enough rest. we usually go to sleep at around 11.30 and wake up at 530. 6 hours of sleep. not very sufficient for a sick girl.

the teachers tried their best to help I could see but no matter what my parents or doctor wrote, I couldn’t come back. so my parents got really worried about my situation (being sick and worst every day for more than 6 days is crazily abnormal) so they got my college enrollment done and fetched me right away. but when I am back I am still sick badly for another week anyway. imagine if I am still in the camp, I’d be worst.

nevertheless, the camp is really fun. I began to enjoy it at the 4th day I think, when we started to have group activities and classes. there were about 400 people divided into 4 companies, where each company will have to present their flag, motto, song and all in just 2-3 days! so we rushed late nights to get everything done. even though it was very tiring, but it was really really fun!

and the craziest thing I will have to tell you about is, in that one week time, I got to know about 150 new friends! crazy isn’t it?! on average I get to know 20 people a day! people there are really friendly, they will talk to you automatically. very nice. and the teachers (especially my class teacher they are soooooooooo nice I love them so much T_T) are incredulously funny people. during training they might be very fierce. but when you are doing work, they’d help you and they have endlessly funny stories to tell you about. (in my whole camp there’s only 1 teacher that I don’t really like. I felt like she’s a bit racist actually based on how she talk to me. and her face is on dulan mode 24/7. but only one.)

about the strictness. I can say these camps are really strict. you MUST wear the clothes they provide as long as you get out of the dorm. they don’t care if you have to wear the same shirt for 4 days. you just have to. and guys and girls MUST have a 2meter gap if you’re not doing any activities. which I think is pretty weird. but it’s safe in a way? some horny people love flirting around, well. =/. and, NEVER BE LATE. they might as well just screw your whole dorm for one late person. and even if you are excused to sit down, you can’t sit in your own comfortable way T_T. that seemingly racist teacher told me to sit straight sigh. =(. I actually felt rather forced when she said that– because I was feeling so so so terrible and I really had to lie down and I had to sit up straight. and I pretty much burst out and they took me to the clinic and the not sure if he is a doctor or a nurse said that I am suffering from stress. sigh. how could I have stress when I was actually having fun.

I love my dorm mates. they are all sporting and nice people. and almost every night we would have our own mini party with varieties of junk food. yummy junk food. and you might as well think that mineral water tastes weird, sometimes like coconut right? but when you’re there and you’re looking at the yellowish drinking water sometimes with small tiny residues, mineral water is THE THANG that you’d crave for. but this point couldn’t be fixed as my camp is located right in the middle of no where. it’s very hard to get pure clean water there. =(. the bathing water will make you have terrible chills at first but at the 5th day, you’d just turn on the shower and quickly jump in like as if bathing is heaven; you wouldn’t even notice that the water is cold. occasionally (about once in 2-3 days?) the water supply will be cut and you’d have to bathe using the kolam water, the kolam is pretty green. and uhm, is filled with dead bugs on the surface.  most people could take it, but my skin couldn’t. it was itching every day and I had terrible rash on my body which isn’t even cured by now. =(.

but if you (or your sibling) got picked for NS, and is healthy, I would really recommend you to go. their activities are amazing. I like their character building classes especially. I felt that it really did taught me some stuff. NS is rather beneficial. I am just one odd case because I am weak and my skin is really sensitive. plus I am allergic to many kind of food. =(. like, seafood, caffeine, peanuts. which they have squids occasionally, tea everyday, and peanuts are very famous in malay food. so sometimes out of those many food I can only have one dish to go with my rice, usually vegetable. vegetable and rich ONLY is a torture to me. I don’t like eating most cooked vegetable. just salads.

it might sound contradicting but I really do miss NS. not the cold water and the food I couldn’t eat, but the people and activities (except marching. HATED THAT. I am a puteri lilin if you don’t know). I haven’t actually marched before since I was sick for the whole week, but I came back looking like a malay girl still. =/. MY STUDENT ID PICTURE IS A TOTAL MALAY GIRL T_T. but it’s alright, I shall slowly gain my skin colour back T_T.

by the way, I was back for 2 whole week. =D. sick for the first week and very busy on the second. thus being this late on informing all of you on my come-back. =X. and is this my longest word post? crap. I bet only 5% read everything. =(. boring-nya. shall write another one on what to bring to NS next time for those who are going to NS in the future. even just a week (8 days to be specific!), I learned a lot okay! heh. =P.

at least the whitening shiseido is pretty helpful, I am not as tan now. hahaah. that student ID card, sigh. if you keep bugging me on my blog maybe I’d show. kekeke. but you still can notice my slight tan (at the side of my face) right? look a bit fairer because I played with the aperture and shutter speed coughs =P.

I am doing these short posts once in a while to fill in the gaps in between my long posts so my blog won’t die HAHAA. lame lame me, but enjoy! =D.

for those who didn’t know, my hair WAS incredulously long. I need not to explain as there’s this one picture that actually shocked me too when I saw it. =X.

tada. =/. was my hair THAT crazily long?! JEEZ. hahaha. but perhaps when I come back from NS my hair would be THIS long too hahaa. then I can come back and continue scaring people with my crazy long hair which absolutely matches my soon to become even more xanthous skin.

usually it’s pretty unnoticeable since I camwhore or take close up shots like these. and it look’s pretty good kekeke. I like it at least.

but seriously, NOW I really DO find my hair (WAS.) a little creepy too mmm. =X.

and by the way, anybody sells/haves/knows where I can get this necklace? =(. my birthday is coming so people, if you’re lucky enough to run into it.. then.. =D!! I lost it in Joseph’s car T_T. probably when I get out of his car actually sigh.

LOOK carefully. it’s a NANA 707 necklace wuwuwuwuwuwu.

have I ever told you I enjoy doing ceramics/pottery? (and I do knitting too. I am an aunty. SO? >=3.) and the degree course that I applied for in that place HAVE CERAMIC CLASSES. zomg I am so happy! =D.

and YEAP I MADE THAT COFFEE BEAN CUP! =D.

long emo post ahead.

NS (National Service; those gun holding, marching under the hot sun thing. preparing you for WARRR) is AN ASS. =(. I mean, a pain in the ass for me. it delays everything, college, BIRTHDAY PARTY and all. =(. for the first time in 5 years I might not have a birthday party. why must it be on my 18th birthday. UGH. but hopefully, I’d still celebrate it even if it’s a month late =/.

it’s hard to think of how my number of friends would even decrease significantly. in 3 months many things can happen and I felt that I will lose some most of my friends. and it is hard for me to accept the fact that when I come back I might not see them or even talk to them because they are so engrossed with their new friends at college and might also be very busy with assignments. I would only be annoying them then. =(. and I’d know nothing about their problems and all and they might find it hard to tell me because I have no idea on what have been going on T_T.

and even so, being my usual cocky self I would be nice to you, but I won’t express myself and actually be friends with you at first. unless there’s a connection or something. making friends randomly is ALWAYS dangerous, even friends friend, but it just seems a little better. sigh. how am I going to survive.

thinking of how some people steal even pentene, I guess I will need to store the collection of shampoos from hotels and maybe keep it in a mineral bottle bottle. and as for undergarments, going to pasar malam to buy some would be sufficient. same goes for towels. SIGH. and I have real bad menstrual cramps during menstrual period, will they even let me rest in the room for a maximum of 3 days. and can I really live without facial for 3 months (I do it monthly, that’s why my skin seems OK you see. =/)

I really hope I’d meet some nice people. I’ve never understood why some people could steal and never feel bad. even if I accidentally did something wrong, I’d feel bad for the rest of my life. at least a few months/years. until I become older and start forgetting the long ago stuff. ugh.

and it being dirty is really disgusting me like mad already.

actually, I could terminate it. I have obvious symptoms of anemia. I faint when I am feeling to hot. I mean, you know what I mean right! and also when I stand at a spot for too long. and my allergies to caffeine. and and and my super sensitive skin that gets irritated with dirty environment which would lead to half-a-year-also-dunno-can-recover-a-not rashes.

what if somebody wants to steal my Vitamin E pills? oh noes. T_T.

and I have no idea why am I so random nowadays, but I am drinking korean tea right now and it’s so yummy you should love korean wheat tea too. good day. =). after all the emoness and I am telling you to have a good day. oh I AM weird. kekeke. =X.

and it was POP DAY yesterday! update more about it later. I am actually saving all my events and is keeping it in drafts so I can post them when I am in NS. =D. see, I am so nice kan? teehee.

I am going to NS in exactly 1 week. T_T. ugh.